October 5, 2010

I had a long conversation with a close friend who is suffering from loneliness and despair. My heart breaks for him when I listen to his angst.  Loneliness is a common ailment and yet one that we must correct within ourselves.
Loneliness says " I am longing to experience that which already belongs to me( mainly LOVE) yet this feels so out of my reach!"

Really, loneliness is just a decision of our imaginations. We have simply wandered off or taken a wrong turn and find ourselves on an isolated path. And when we look around and see no one....this is what we use as "proof" of our loneliness. We believe that we are alone. We have become disconnected from the awareness of LOVE  in our life. So we weep and wail "why me?"

The simple solution (and why we make it SO difficult is a whole other question) is to turn around and find the path we had meant to walk on. Don't be afraid to ask for directions! God is on that path and the sign will say "LOVE".  

October 3, 2010

Fall is here. We went to the Wool Festival in Taos.

June 4, 2010

It is getting warmer here each day. Ah...summer. We walk around 7:30am on the mesa or the trail thru the meadow and it is 65 degrees. Our neighbor's dog, Carmen, joyously accompanies us and protects us from any danger lurking under the sage.The flowers are profuse. The cacti are blooming a luscious red, the paintbrushes are orange and red, the micro daisies are golden yellow , the yucca add height and creamy yellow to the palette and the various hues of purple and violet top off everything.

We often come upon a mini dumping ground full of rusty cans and old bottles.Somehow, it doesn't spoil the beauty but adds another layer that is typically Taos.The hummingbirds are prolific and the mockingbirds constantly entertain. By mid day it will be in the high 80's, but nice and dry so it feels like our 72.  We eat lunch outdoors. 5pm is cocktail hour, usually with neighbors and their dogs. The quails, roadrunners and rabbits come out at dusk. We all watch the sky at sunset. It seems we are all creatures of habit. 

June 2,2010

My day is  one of the good days. We are back to feeling human.

May 16,2010

I am recovering from a viral battle that knocked me out for a few days. Today I am getting back on my feet and feeling like doing something other than sleeping!
I am marveling at  the little things that gave me comfort and realizing how significant all those little things really are! I appreciate the "get-well-soon wishes from friends, the hot tea with lemon and honey from Dan, and even my son laughing at his parents ( Dan shared his cold with me) for getting smacked down with a silly cold!

My favorite thing was receiving photos from my Gambian friend, Sulay. He sent pictures of children watching him create a painting, and then pics of kids doing the painting! The smiles on those faces brightened my spirits like nothing else. And the whole idea that  Sulay shared his talent, his time and materials with some wonderful kids and then shared that moment with me filled me with such joy, I could hardly contain myself! It was truly, the best medicine ever. 

 He called that photo album "Healing the World". It certainly touched many lives and said it made a great day for him, too!  

Isn't it fascinating how gererousity and kindness  just keeps on going, giving and growing, from one person to another yet somehow still manages to reach backwards and bless us all over again?

May 9, 2010

Mother's Day. I am , of course, thinking of my own mother in a nursing home, no longer living in the same time and space as her children. I am remembering how often she spoke of her own mother and the farm where she grew up with 5 siblings. As she was slipping away into dementia, she mentioned her mom the most. She wanted to go back there, see her and be with her. Obviously a safe and loving time in her life. I was always happy to go back there with her and listen to her tales of childhood.

I am sending love and gratitude to all mothers around the world....living and passed. Your influence is astounding. You have helped to shape our world. You have sacrificed, nurtured and loved us. God bless mother's everywhere. And thanks to my boys who made me a mom too!

May 8,2010

Grief and loss. And all the questions that are inevitable. What if...? Could something  more have been done?  Why? Why?  and why this way???? It just seems like an answer would satisfy us....and yet with each answer comes another question.  For me, the only comfort I can find is from my faith and belief that God does exist and there is life after death. Faith brings light into all the dark corners and offers comfort in the knowing. The grief, overwhelming loss and sadness are still present, but not the isolation. Untold numbers of people are feeling this loss and we come together to remember, pray and celebrate Lee's earthly life and that of our own.  We are reminded that life has a birth and a death and we must live fully, joyfully and thankfully in this moment.  

May 7, 2010

Today we are suffering the sudden loss of a dear friend. Words seem inadequate.

April 11,2010

Whether we judge people or ideas, the moment a judgment is made by us we tend to invest our ego with that, and refuse to make amends. As a result of it, many relationships are destroyed, many noble efforts are weakened, and worst of all, it closes our minds to others. For all practical purposes we become deaf to reason, blind to truth, rude to mankind, and finally, become unhappy ourselves. ˜ Sunil Singh˜

Leaving the ego out of judgment seems impossible sometimes. I recently had someone say to me "you have judged me wrongly." Letting those words sink in and puddle in my heart was painful. And my first line of defense was to deny it …

Right? Wrong? Different? True? False? Whatever…
Sometimes it is just best to "let it be."

 

March 24, 2010

It’s almost April and it is snowing. It’s a nice, soft, slow snow that blurs all the edges of everything it touches. The most quiet of days. The only sounds I can hear at the moment are my fingers hitting the keys.

I had a lot of plans for the day. They all disappeared when I looked out of my window first thing this morning. For some reason, I just don’t feel like interrupting all this silence. It is not an awkward or lonely silence. It feels like I just opened a gift that made me speechless.

No TV, no music, no phone calls, no page turning, no writing, no painting. There is no place I have to go and no one I have to see and nothing I have to do except appreciate this moment of stillness, smile and breathe.

 

March 22,2010

I can’t remember where I read this, but I certainly remember how it struck home. A little boy had remarked about the difference he observed between his parents and grandparents. He wished his parents could be more like his grandparents because they never said, “hurry up.”

Today I chose a day of no hurries. I did not hurry to get out of bed, hurry to turn on the computer, hurry through the grocery store aisles, hurry to dry my hair or hurry to finish a painting.

I accomplished everything I needed to do. I chatted with my friends, dried my hair and laundry in the sun, worked on two paintings, ate healthy meals and took a long walk on the mesa. It was a very rewarding, satisfying way to go about the day.

I am not a grandparent. But I am sure going to try and live more like one!

 

March 20,2010

I have not been painting with the same intensity the past few weeks. I am not sure exactly why this has been the case, but I do miss having that feeling of time disappearing that only seems to happen when I am moving paint around with a brush.

Today, I devoted the entire day just to being in my studio. If picking up a brush didn’t feel right, I decided I would simply clean, organize or rearrange. Or I could take an inventory of what I have and what I need. That’s the business side of art and always a thorn in my side.

My plan worked really well. I chose to paint! And several hours later, I feel satisfied and reassured that I can still mix, stir, stroke, glaze, wipe, scratch and layer paint on a canvas. And like what I see.

 

March 15, 2010

My mom has been in a local care facility for several years. She suffers from Lewy Body Disease (similar to Parkinson’s) and a form of dementia. The last time I saw her was Feb13, 2010. She was sitting in her wheel chair, head tilted off to the side, waving goodbye. My heart-strings were weeping, because I knew that the next time I saw her either she would not know me or it would be her funeral. Since I left, she has slipped further away, preferring deep sleep over eating and being social.

The months before were difficult but had many moments of clarity. Those windows of knowing were her final gift to me. I learned so much more about her childhood on the farm, her teen years and her marriage to my dad. She told me these things, not as my mother would have, but more like a friend. Some things were whispered, as in “secret.” Others were told with a giggle. And some caused tears to flow. My mother became a person with secrets, hopes, dreams and regrets. The masks of motherhood and perfection were gone. The filters were gone. The further she retreated into dementia the better I got to know her.

I am thinking about all this in relation to my sons. How much do my boys really know me? Have I allowed them to see under my mask? Do I really know them?

One thing I know for sure: I am making my best effort to let my loved ones know that I do really and certainly love them! Because the last words my mom said to me, with full knowing, were the precious words “I love you, Honey.”

 

March 8, 2010

I don’t know if it was because of all the AVATAR movie promos I have seen lately, or if it is something altogether different. But in my dreams I am able to fly. All I have to do is think about wanting to fly …and it just happens! I can just think about where I want to go …and I am there. I think about who I want to see …and there they are! And it seems effortless!!! Imagine that.

I am sitting at my kitchen table, in this moment, very much awake. I am imagining. And I am realizing that every single thing around me has all started with a thought. An idea .An “ I wonder what would happen if….” Or “ I don’t know how or when but I would really like to…”

Thoughts are really powerful! This is reminding me, once again, to choose my thoughts very carefully. Because they really do become things!!!!!!

 

March 6,2010

I have never really given much thought to hunger. And now I know someone who experiences hunger on a regular basis. So when I walked into my pantry today, and opened my refrigerator I was overwhelmed. So much food!

My mother always told us to clean our plates because there were children starving in remote places like Africa or Bangladesh. "What in the world did that have to do with anything anyway?" I wondered.

Today I was telling my friend that my neighbor’s dog was here again, to get her daily treat.
"I gave her a small piece of chicken," I said. Too late I realized that was more food than my friend had today or yesterday. And I also know that I cannot feed millions … but I can start with one.

 

March 1, 2010

"Your soul sometimes plays against the Sky's ear that excites the birds and the planets. Stay close to any sounds that make you glad you are alive…" Hafiz

Today is a day for listening.

 

February 27, 2010

Big day yesterday! The marketing seminar was pulsing with practical answers for today’s professional artist. My head was also pulsing for several hours afterwards.

Today I am just in recovery mode and feeling overwhelmed by what needs to be done and oddly affirmed by what I have already done. The most challenging task for me is to make and implement an overall improvement plan, increase the quality and number of paintings, update my resume, add to my bio, track all art digitally, get organized, analyze and create a pricing system, update my website at least every two weeks … there’s more, but I need to take a nap.

 

February 24, 2010

Today, as I am lacing up my shoes for a walk, I am also grieving for the passing of one of my walking buddies Samantha, better known as Sam. Sam and Carmen (also a 4 legged friend) belong to my neighbors who are kind enough to share their pets with me. They really helped make my walks so much fun! Yesterday, Carmen was sleeping in the snow-covered driveway as I approached their house. No Sam in sight. Carmen was frisky and happy to join me and I assumed Sam was snuggled in a warmer corner, sleeping and just more content to stay there. It was a great walk. Me, my camera and Carmen trotting along. I got some sweet photos!

Then later last night I was emailed the sad news. At the time of my walk, the family was saying their goodbyes. Sam has passed over gently. If there are rabbits or tires to chase, I believe she is happily chasing them once again.

Adios, Sam. And thanks for all the good times!

 

February 23, 2010

I don’t believe in coincidence. I heard one definition that really makes sense to me: "Coincidence is just God's way of remaining anonymous." For the past several months Africa has been showing up over and over in my life in the oddest places. It all started with an email about one of my paintings from some guy in Africa. He happened to be an artist, who happened upon a web site that happened to have a painting of mine that happened to spark a connection. He decided to contact me. I decided to answer out of curiosity, and it just happened to be the beginning of a very unique friendship. Sulay. Africa.

Nothing just happens … does it?

 

February 21, 2010

I've been thinking about missed opportunities. Today I missed a perfect photo op because my camera batteries were dead. The sun was at exactly the right place to catch a bluebird perched on the back of my metal chair. Snowflakes the size of cotton balls were swirling in the background and the bluebird was breathtaking. I wonder how many other opportunities I have missed because I was unprepared.

 

February 16, 2010

The transition between Holland and Taos is always interesting. It takes much longer for my body to adjust to the altitude and long day of travel than for my heart. It takes 2 ½ hours for the drive from Albuquerque to Taos and that is the perfect amount of time for the tension to slip away. I always wish it would be easier and quicker to get here, but the drive allows time to appreciate the warmth of the sun through the van windows, reacquaint myself with the color of the sky , get to talk with other shuttle passengers and hear their Taos stories. Everyone has a Taos story! "What brings you here?" No matter how the story begins, it usually ends with "… and there’s something about it that I can’t explain."

 

Feb 1, 2010

We do not remember days, we remember moments. Ceasar Pavese

Today is the DAY! I am almost bursting with excitement and heaps of gratitude to everyone who helped to make this dream possible.

To my husband Dan: your love and patience for the past 39 years has been my rock and my soft place to fall.

To my sons Michael and Andrew: you tolerated my creative endeavors from the kitchen to the canvas and allowed me to be your teacher and your student

To my lifelong friend Karen: we’ve shared more laughs, more tears, more stories, secrets and more, ah, beverages, than there are stars in the sky.

To Sulayman my most recent friend: you inspire me to be a better person

To all my other friends and family, whose lives have connected with mine by the grace of God: I thank you for all you do and for who you are.